Thursday, March 6, 2008

The Clutter Fairy

Life Balance: a feat we try to achieve while searching to be the best that we can we, while simultaneously raising our children to do the same. This is the equilibrium in our inner life force whereby our heartbeat matches the divine force that exists all around us. When this life balance peaks, our sense of peace, joy, love and wisdom acts as one with our very soul.

Birthday time again. Seems like it keeps coming every year, how is that possible? Isn't there a limit? Can I just pick a number, and keep living, but not have the number change?

A close friend wondered what I wanted for my birthday. Some really amazing, slow, awe inspiring, super satisfying, memorable, tender, intimate, stress relieving, conversation perhaps? Conversation? No, I would really like the Clutter Fairy to visit my desk, my bedroom, my kitchen, my car, my desk, my purse. Can someone zap a wand and organize me? Can someone take away all the crap I own?

I swear the clutter reproduces at night. The gremlins must come and feed on the little bits of food left out by the mutt. They take the good leftover spaghetti, eat it, and leave a noodle in the dogs' chair. Honest, I found an egg noodle from the Tuesday Chicken Soup dinner in the chair. And it's not just the weird pieces of food I can't understand, its the multiplying receipts.

If I never have money to buy things, where are all the receipts coming from in my purse? And why if you have the grocey receipt from 1995 in your wallet, can you never find the one you need to get full credit at Kohl's? Do you know they only give you the lowest price an item sold for in the last 20 days, if you are missing your receipt? I went to return a $40 pair of sneakers, imagining, I would get full store credit, when low and behold, no, they give me store credit at the lowest price. Amazingly, this was $11.95. Have you ever seen Tony Hawk skateboarding shoes for that little? I would buy 10 pairs if I did, believe you me.

And what about the stuff in the kitchen? Shouldn't it just be, like, kitchen stuff? Dishes, cups, a cereal box or two? Why do green plaid boxers end up on the floor here? Why do I have every coat we own lying on the kitchen floor, except the one they want to wear at that minute? Why do tools only reside on the center island, and not in the toolbox? And how come every brush we own is in the junk drawer with the rubber bands, but not on the day you want to wear a pony tail? Then they seem to take a hike to Grandma's house, to hide with the matching glove and missing sock from the living room.

I don't even understand how stuff ends up where it does. Some scientist a hundred years from now will try to show the Waldmiller home, all neat and pretty. Modern 21st decor perhaps. Pergo and hardwood floors. Grandma's cedar chest. Library table desk. But now add: snow googles, flashlight, shoelaces, candle from Christmas, battery back to yet another toy, washable markers, one green snow boarding glove, backpack, winnie the pooh blanket, water bottle, stuffed bunnies, extra flooring, pink snow glove, phone book; open to pizza page, snowman, stereo, and belt. All left by the clutter fairies. They must party at night with the snow stuff, snuggle with the bunnies, hide in the Winnie the Pooh blankie.

And of course, add in the Tony Hawk sneakers. Don't they look great on me? I'm really just 11. The perfect age. I don't have to clean and I don't have to work.

Ah, the good old days. Can I have a root beer float after my conversation?


Cindy Hennessey said...

This is awesome and so funny -- you are a GREAT writer!

Oh, and Happy Birthday :)

tashabud said...

I'd like a clutter fairy to come unclutter my home too. I stumbled upon this blog of someone in the Philippines where she talked about her maids. I told her that I wish I have a maid, even just one. I can't even afford a maid for a day. She told me to go live in the Philippines. I'll be able to afford a few maids, a gardener, and a cook.