Life Balance: a feat we try to achieve while searching to be the best that we can be, while simultaneously raising our children to do the same. This is the equilibrium in our inner life force whereby our heartbeat matches the divine force that exists all around us. When this life balance peaks, our sense of peace, joy, love and wisdom act as one with our very soul.
"Find a way to be thankful for your troubles, and they can become your blessings."
Years ago I read the Mitford Series by Jan Caron. I loved the cosy books, set in the fictional small town of Mitford, North Carolina with Father Tim. One minute I would be caught up in the story, another I would be wanting to talk one of the characters out of something they were planning to do; other times I would want to have a heart to heart with Father Tim and tell him all my troubles. At one point early on in the series, Father Tim, a sweetaholic, comes down with diabetes. Here we really see him with all his human failings cursing the disease and fighting against it. He's mad, he's sad, he's in denial, he's making bargains to get away from the daily management of a terminal disease, when he has an Epiphany. He goes back to his roots, and remembers to "Give Thanks for all things". He begins to give thanks for everything in his life, even diabetes. He turns his life as always over to God, and understands that we must put our faith in the higher and love everything in our life, to laugh and love it and make it our own, whatever the problem it. We can't understand what may come out of whatever we are going through, but we must let it go, give it to God, and give it love.
As Moms we find this easy to teach our children to do, saying and showing, "its okay honey, no worries." We love, encourage and nurture them in thousands of ways everyday, starting at dawn when we wake them for their day, making them breakfast while simultaneously packing our own lunch, emptying the dishwasher and starting a load of laundry; moving on to make appointments, pay bills or run errands thorough our lunchtime, coming home to cook dinner, finish laundry and run them to the store replace the headphones they cannot live without, all the while we are listening to them, checking them for illness, worrying in an instant about their lives today and for the next 50 years.
We love them with all our hearts and soul from the time of conception, and we create the environments for them to thrive. We give them love, we give them balance by being the CEO of our household and we forgive them for any and all slights that occur. That's what Moms are supposed to do, yet we seldom remember to give this to ourselves. We fret, we worry, we get mad, we get sad and we take on more duties to help them get through stuff. We give it our all constantly, and are reminded repeatedly at work, on TV, in magazine, books & songs to do more, to be more, learn more, to have more. What if that really is the opposite of what we should do?
I woke up, 530 again, ready to journal, to dump out my angry thoughts about a situation I am in. I open the journal to write, and realize I have my previous journal, not the new one. On the page I opened was this thought:
"Give yourself wiggle room,see what it might feel like to not be all or nothing. Let go & let God."-me
I had been asking God for what to do about my problem each night before I went to sleep. I basically felt I needed to learn yet again how to not be myself, to behave contrary to my nature, to be a different person. I was fretting and hating some parts of myself that caused the issue in the first place and felt I needed to change. I needed to give it my all to be this way, so of course read books on it, write about it, make a plan on how to do, give myself daily talks on how to do it, learn to do this, don't give in, and by all means, never let them see you sweat.
What would I tell my children if it was them explaining the problem? I would say be who God meant you to be, and I would probably talk about one of my more memorable job interview questions for a job I obviously was not meant to be at. They asked, "If you were on "Survivor" would you make it to the final four? My brain screamed, give them the speech about giving it your all and succeeding, its what they want to hear and my heart said, Live without a comfy bed and my morning coffee, are you nuts, I'd never be in the final four on "Survivor." I decided to answer with a joke instead, saying that I can cook well and men usually can't, so I'd exchange skills to make it a win-win for everyone, a survivor first.
I believe in the original team building mentality, where we are all in it together. We sing each others praises and do what we do best individually, making us more than we we were to begin with. As a manager and a Mom, I have to see the big picture that maybe if someone is struggling at something, its not in their nature to be that way or they don't have the skills right now to do it. Remember when our kids were little, and they tried to clean their room quickly by making one big pile in their closet? The first time you opened the door, Mt. Everest of clothes & toys toppled over, sometimes breaking fragile things piled in the middle. They would then try to wiggle out of it, try to find a way to fix it by propping it up or shutting the door, which of course never worked, would instead bury them in clothes, making them laugh and scream, "Mom, help!" Or how about when they first when to the store alone & tried to bag groceries? They'd get home, and the bread would be on the bottom of the bag, all squished and flat? They'd look at you with their sad eyes, and try to cover it up saying, "Umm, well, can we make grilled cheese out of it?" You'd laugh and say "its okay, let me get that for you."
Why is it, when confronted with our own issues, we seldom give ourselves this wiggle room, seldom tell ourselves to laugh & ask for help? Maybe we should just remember to bury ourselves in laughter and let God handle it.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Ipad App for Roman Catholic Sins, where's my weekly tracker?
Life Balance: a feat we try to achieve while searching to be the best that we can be, while simultaneously raising our children to do the same. This is the equilibrium in our inner life force whereby our heartbeat matches the divine force that exists all around us. When this life balance peaks, our sense of peace, joy, love and wisdom act as one with our very soul
"To be truly happy & content, you must let go of what it means to be happy or content."--Confucius
"If your kids are happy & smiling, they did something, you just don't know it yet."--Me
The big news of today is a new app for the IPad that keeps track of Roman Catholic sins, to help users keep track of their sins, in hopes that they will go to confession more often. It takes users through a series of question on the ten commandments to help remind users where they may have slacked off. (http://www.1310news.com/news/world/article/181556--new-iphone-ipad-app-helps-roman-catholics-keep-track-of-sins-for-later-confession).
I heard this on the radio as I drove back from the gym this morning, and instantly thought the developers should go all the way with the app and make it user friendly like my Weight Watchers tracking tools. It should have not only a daily sin tracker but a weekly progress report. Log your sins daily and chart them weekly to see how you're doing week to week, but really, it should talk back as well, flag you with better choices.
When I put in meals or recipes at Weight Watchers, I can play around to get to better, lower point options for a meal or snack. Take a smaller portion or put in low fat dairy instead, and watch the points go down. Add in some fiber and make it a healthy alternative. Why not the same for this? Add in the reconciliation for the daily total. Okay, look, that's five hail Mary's but if I only thought impure thoughts instead of dropping the F bomb twelve times when the kids left dirty dishes all over the house again, then its only 3 hail Mary's.
Give you a little "Healthy Choices" button pop when you manage to only take the Lord's Name in vein, instead of gossiping about the slacker co-worker. Get a good job when you see the number of sins go down on your weekly time line. Get a concerned prompt when you forget to log the sins for the day. Add in strong moral fiber and have a smiley face pop-up. Have church bells ring on Sunday when its time for church and you're laying in bed watching the Three Stooges.
Think of the possibilities if we had this for our kids, it could just parent for us. "Did you leave your clothes all over the bathroom again", "Did you finish your homework or just put your name on the top of the paper & fill out 4 questions so you get credit" or "What were you really doing at the sleep over " with a drop down menu of choices, and the punishment choices "No video game for a week, no Facebook for 2 weeks or go clean the living room".
Wait, my living room is clean, what did the kids do that I don't know about?
"To be truly happy & content, you must let go of what it means to be happy or content."--Confucius
"If your kids are happy & smiling, they did something, you just don't know it yet."--Me
The big news of today is a new app for the IPad that keeps track of Roman Catholic sins, to help users keep track of their sins, in hopes that they will go to confession more often. It takes users through a series of question on the ten commandments to help remind users where they may have slacked off. (http://www.1310news.com/news/world/article/181556--new-iphone-ipad-app-helps-roman-catholics-keep-track-of-sins-for-later-confession).
I heard this on the radio as I drove back from the gym this morning, and instantly thought the developers should go all the way with the app and make it user friendly like my Weight Watchers tracking tools. It should have not only a daily sin tracker but a weekly progress report. Log your sins daily and chart them weekly to see how you're doing week to week, but really, it should talk back as well, flag you with better choices.
When I put in meals or recipes at Weight Watchers, I can play around to get to better, lower point options for a meal or snack. Take a smaller portion or put in low fat dairy instead, and watch the points go down. Add in some fiber and make it a healthy alternative. Why not the same for this? Add in the reconciliation for the daily total. Okay, look, that's five hail Mary's but if I only thought impure thoughts instead of dropping the F bomb twelve times when the kids left dirty dishes all over the house again, then its only 3 hail Mary's.
Give you a little "Healthy Choices" button pop when you manage to only take the Lord's Name in vein, instead of gossiping about the slacker co-worker. Get a good job when you see the number of sins go down on your weekly time line. Get a concerned prompt when you forget to log the sins for the day. Add in strong moral fiber and have a smiley face pop-up. Have church bells ring on Sunday when its time for church and you're laying in bed watching the Three Stooges.
Think of the possibilities if we had this for our kids, it could just parent for us. "Did you leave your clothes all over the bathroom again", "Did you finish your homework or just put your name on the top of the paper & fill out 4 questions so you get credit" or "What were you really doing at the sleep over " with a drop down menu of choices, and the punishment choices "No video game for a week, no Facebook for 2 weeks or go clean the living room".
Wait, my living room is clean, what did the kids do that I don't know about?
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Change Your Thoughts
Life Balance: a feat we try to achieve while searching to be the best that we can be, while simultaneously raising our children to do the same. This is the equilibrium in our inner life force whereby our heartbeat matches the divine force that exists all around us. When this life balance peaks, our sense of peace, joy, love and wisdom act as one with our very soul.
"Remember, happiness doesn't depend upon who you are or what you have, it depends solely upon what you think."-Dale Carnegie
A new year, a new you. Let's fix our diet, fix our budget, do things differently with the kids, read the latest business book and use it our work or volunteer meetings, go on a relationship weekend to be closer with our spouses, get a personal trainer to help us meet our fitness goals, and so on and so on; change is everywhere. We always start the new year deciding to hate something and get it fixed for once. We change for the day until we have to cook dinner, change for the hour, until we hit the first wall in using the "new" communication styles in a meeting, change for a week until we get sick of the effort it takes to do things differently with the kids.
But what if we didn't need a huge plan, pre-made meals bought through the diet center of the week or an Arnold look alike to make us behave on our exercise routines? What if all we had to do was make our mind to do it? Really commit, really be ready, really mean it this time? There are many books on the subject to get us going, and countless tapes, but what if we just started and ended our days differently?
I noticed as my kids grew up that how they started the day really made the difference in the quality of it. I noticed when I learned not to talk about anything life changing in the morning that life was easier with my spouse. I noticed that my employees seemed happier when I eased them into the day. All it took was how we started it.
I have been a long proponent of quiet time in the morning, reading inspirational material or writing in my journal. Many days I am rushed and can't get this in, what with driving the kidlets to some before school event that requires a stop for a cappuccino on the way (maybe starting the twins on coffee at age 6 wasn't such a good idea) or needing to rush in and get some work done before the crazys get in for the day (sorry, was that out loud?). Sometimes, I just can't get my me time (ok, that is the life of most Moms).
I came across a wonderful help for morning inspiration, called JARZBYJULIE.com. Julie is a wonderful, cheerful woman I met at a church craft sale, selling jars with inspirational sayings in them. She has jars with themes for a year (365 sayings) for all occasions, and in different types like Smiles, Faith, Romance or Laughter is the best medicine. I picked up one of these for a gift and one for myself and I love it. It really is instant smiles in a jar. Check out Julies jars yourself.
What a great concept that Julie came up with, she is a lovely woman, what a great business she can do from home. Julie herself is disabled, in wheelchair. She called to tell me she'd deliver my gifts to my house, but could I please come out and get them so she didn't have to get her wheelchair out in the snow?
And we all think we have it hard to get to work some-days. Smile on your way to work and give thanks when its easy to get out of the car and walk in.
"Remember, happiness doesn't depend upon who you are or what you have, it depends solely upon what you think."-Dale Carnegie
A new year, a new you. Let's fix our diet, fix our budget, do things differently with the kids, read the latest business book and use it our work or volunteer meetings, go on a relationship weekend to be closer with our spouses, get a personal trainer to help us meet our fitness goals, and so on and so on; change is everywhere. We always start the new year deciding to hate something and get it fixed for once. We change for the day until we have to cook dinner, change for the hour, until we hit the first wall in using the "new" communication styles in a meeting, change for a week until we get sick of the effort it takes to do things differently with the kids.
But what if we didn't need a huge plan, pre-made meals bought through the diet center of the week or an Arnold look alike to make us behave on our exercise routines? What if all we had to do was make our mind to do it? Really commit, really be ready, really mean it this time? There are many books on the subject to get us going, and countless tapes, but what if we just started and ended our days differently?
I noticed as my kids grew up that how they started the day really made the difference in the quality of it. I noticed when I learned not to talk about anything life changing in the morning that life was easier with my spouse. I noticed that my employees seemed happier when I eased them into the day. All it took was how we started it.
I have been a long proponent of quiet time in the morning, reading inspirational material or writing in my journal. Many days I am rushed and can't get this in, what with driving the kidlets to some before school event that requires a stop for a cappuccino on the way (maybe starting the twins on coffee at age 6 wasn't such a good idea) or needing to rush in and get some work done before the crazys get in for the day (sorry, was that out loud?). Sometimes, I just can't get my me time (ok, that is the life of most Moms).
I came across a wonderful help for morning inspiration, called JARZBYJULIE.com. Julie is a wonderful, cheerful woman I met at a church craft sale, selling jars with inspirational sayings in them. She has jars with themes for a year (365 sayings) for all occasions, and in different types like Smiles, Faith, Romance or Laughter is the best medicine. I picked up one of these for a gift and one for myself and I love it. It really is instant smiles in a jar. Check out Julies jars yourself.
What a great concept that Julie came up with, she is a lovely woman, what a great business she can do from home. Julie herself is disabled, in wheelchair. She called to tell me she'd deliver my gifts to my house, but could I please come out and get them so she didn't have to get her wheelchair out in the snow?
And we all think we have it hard to get to work some-days. Smile on your way to work and give thanks when its easy to get out of the car and walk in.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Twas the Week After Christmas & Mom was Snug as Rug With a Mug
Life Balance: a feat we try to achieve while searching to be the best that we can be, while simultaneously raising our children to do the same. This is the equilibrium in our inner life force whereby our heartbeat matches the divine force that exists all around us. When this life balance peaks, our sense of peace, joy, love and wisdom act as one with our very soul.
"The Human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter."--Mark Twain
I braved an old frontier this past Sunday, hopping in Vicky to head to the Galleria to return gifts on the day after Christmas. What in the world was I thinking? I once again do more thing for my teens than I would ever do for myself. I hate returning things, I never return my own stuff, only stuff for my family. I would rather let stuff take up residence on my dresser for 3 months, then spend 6 years in my closet until I can no longer shut the doors, and finally move it to more comfortable lodging in the attic. I like to think these former gifts as my retirement plan, you know the one, where you slowly sell all you own on Ebay to pay for your Depends and Metamucil and canned dog food you buy at CeilingMart, where you work as a greeter, handing out smiley faces as you lean on your walker.
Actually, it wasn't too bad, I breezed through 5 stores, one after another and didn't get one hassle from any of the future leaders of our country wearing the lip ring, eyebrow ring, belly ring, liver clip or kidney barrettes that are popular ways for our youth to spend their college loans. The crowds were a bit maddening, as you noticed the Mom's with the bags and lists herding their families through each store, looking hassled and tired while the kids were shopping, shopping, shopping with their Christmas plunder. And nary a Dad was in site. I imagine they were home sleeping off the family induced method of dealing with each other, a.k.a., holiday carb coma that. Seriously, our Moms didn't teach us to bake 140 dozen cookies, melt everything under the Sun with cheese on it, encase all kinds of meat in pastry and make dips with more fat than most third world countries see in a year, no, the real reason we do all this madness is to get some peace the week after the holiday.
My favorite Christmas movie is White Christmas with Bing Crosby and Danny Kaye. Most people say its the romance of the movie and Bing's singing that sucks them in every year, but not me. No, I actually live for the most honest line in a movie I can remember. Bing Crosby ask Danny Kaye why he should go on date, why bother meeting, a woman when he's clearly too busy to bother with one? And Danny tells him, I want you to get married, and have 9 kids, and if you spend just 5 minutes a day with each kid, and that will give me 45 minutes a day to go get a massage or something. I love it, just love it.
That's really why we do all this stuff, starting months before to put on a pageant last 15 minutes. We are all in it to get 45 minutes to ourselves and go get a massage or something. The kids are snug with Uggs and Xbox COD in their beds, the spouses are passed out from carb induced comas and we get to sit down and go ahhhh, the best AH of the year, even beating out Meg Ryan's Ah in "When Harry Met Sally." We did it. We say, we came, we conquered.
AHHHHHH. No matter your beliefs or your holidays, its time to sit back and say it with me, "AHHHHHHH". Amen. May God Bless you with the joy you gave your family this week all year long.
"The Human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter."--Mark Twain
I braved an old frontier this past Sunday, hopping in Vicky to head to the Galleria to return gifts on the day after Christmas. What in the world was I thinking? I once again do more thing for my teens than I would ever do for myself. I hate returning things, I never return my own stuff, only stuff for my family. I would rather let stuff take up residence on my dresser for 3 months, then spend 6 years in my closet until I can no longer shut the doors, and finally move it to more comfortable lodging in the attic. I like to think these former gifts as my retirement plan, you know the one, where you slowly sell all you own on Ebay to pay for your Depends and Metamucil and canned dog food you buy at CeilingMart, where you work as a greeter, handing out smiley faces as you lean on your walker.
Actually, it wasn't too bad, I breezed through 5 stores, one after another and didn't get one hassle from any of the future leaders of our country wearing the lip ring, eyebrow ring, belly ring, liver clip or kidney barrettes that are popular ways for our youth to spend their college loans. The crowds were a bit maddening, as you noticed the Mom's with the bags and lists herding their families through each store, looking hassled and tired while the kids were shopping, shopping, shopping with their Christmas plunder. And nary a Dad was in site. I imagine they were home sleeping off the family induced method of dealing with each other, a.k.a., holiday carb coma that. Seriously, our Moms didn't teach us to bake 140 dozen cookies, melt everything under the Sun with cheese on it, encase all kinds of meat in pastry and make dips with more fat than most third world countries see in a year, no, the real reason we do all this madness is to get some peace the week after the holiday.
My favorite Christmas movie is White Christmas with Bing Crosby and Danny Kaye. Most people say its the romance of the movie and Bing's singing that sucks them in every year, but not me. No, I actually live for the most honest line in a movie I can remember. Bing Crosby ask Danny Kaye why he should go on date, why bother meeting, a woman when he's clearly too busy to bother with one? And Danny tells him, I want you to get married, and have 9 kids, and if you spend just 5 minutes a day with each kid, and that will give me 45 minutes a day to go get a massage or something. I love it, just love it.
That's really why we do all this stuff, starting months before to put on a pageant last 15 minutes. We are all in it to get 45 minutes to ourselves and go get a massage or something. The kids are snug with Uggs and Xbox COD in their beds, the spouses are passed out from carb induced comas and we get to sit down and go ahhhh, the best AH of the year, even beating out Meg Ryan's Ah in "When Harry Met Sally." We did it. We say, we came, we conquered.
AHHHHHH. No matter your beliefs or your holidays, its time to sit back and say it with me, "AHHHHHHH". Amen. May God Bless you with the joy you gave your family this week all year long.
Friday, November 12, 2010
One Woman's Mission to Have Peace with Teenagers
Life Balance: a feat we try to achieve while searching to be the best that we can be, while simultaneously raising our children to do the same. This is the equilibrium in our inner life force whereby our heartbeat matches the divine force that exists all around us. When this life balance peaks, our sense of peace, joy, love and wisdom act as one with our very soul.
The jihad rages on at our house, with no one listening, no one laughing and supposedly, everyone else gets what they want but "XXXX". Fill in the names here for your home, "She always, he always, you always, yada, yada, lots of whining here, but never me." Territories gets staked, angry words get hurled and the daily hiding of remotes & Xbox controllers become the secret battle of the front lines as the war escalates. Life sure was simpler when I could just have them go outside and play in those orange and yellow cars or ride the Big Wheel.
Sure, these battles only last minutes a day now and for the most part life is joyous and fun, but its the lingering effects General Mom worries about. I picked up an old classic at the library book sale a few weeks ago, "How to Win Friends & Influence People" by Dale Carnegie, with the intent to get some fresh approaches for an ongoing turf battle at work that I desired to have come to an end. I believe I read this an part of a UB PR class decades ago, but apparently only retained a smidgen of it. Written in the 1930s (yes, during the depression), Dale harnessed some important principles and noted wonderful lessons learned by some of our countries great leaders; Ben Franklin, Theodore Roosevelt and even Abraham Lincoln. As I read I was astonished to think these great leaders at one point wrestled with some of the same issues I have in life for listening and communicating, in that, I had a strong overwhelming desire to take charge, assert my opinion and tell people when they are wrong, especially when they are, and no one wants to listen. Frankly, it never helps matters to tell someone they are wrong. It just makes them dig in harder and not give up their position and then they hate, or at the very least, stomp up to their room.
What, no mudslinging? No name calling? Where's great magic technique I was looking for here? What do you mean Abraham Lincoln had to learn this?
Principle 4: Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
Principle 5: Talk in Terms of the other person interests.
Principle 6: Make the other person feel important and do it sincerely. (We all go through life wanting to feel important, to know what we do matters, that our viewpoint is validated, that our daily lives are appreciated).
Principle 9: Be sympathetic with other persons ideas and desires.
Dale Carnegie talked about never telling the other people they are wrong, even if they are. People need to feel important and will always deny they are wrong and then nothing will be gained. Lincoln, Franklin and Roosevelt all actually had to be taught these lessons and changed their lives when they did so. They needed to be educated. If it can work for them, maybe I can use this at home and at work.
I started with the basics: Become genuinely interested in the other people and smile, use their name, inquire about their families and their day. Say hi Jack, hi Bob and take a minute to inquire about their health, their day, their family, their favorite teams. Begin with the basic human connection. I like starting the day at home sharing coffee with the twins and at night asking for a story about everyone's day. Smiling and saying names matters. Don't sweat the small stuff. I began to find my days got easier and smoother.
In the middle of reading this book, I had to stop and go back to a wonderful book a friend gave me to read, "Three Cups of Tea; One Man's Mission to Promote Peace...One School at a Time" by Greg Mortenson (http://www.threecupsoftea.com/). Lynne invited me to hear him speak this past week at UB as part of their lecturer series. I confess I am still slowly absorbing the book and the ideas of one man deciding to build schools for girls in Afghanistan and Pakistan through the Central Asia Institute ( http://www.ikat.org/). Education in the key as I always tell my kids. Learn your whole life, it's important and it never ends. And I give them the example of my learning about computers coming 10 years after I left college and then running a website becoming my main job 30 years later, all skills I learned one stop at a time. Ask questions, inquire, be shown, take those training sessions even when its not part of your job, be aware, grow. It never ends.
Greg Mortenson talks about sharing 3 Cups of Tea in his mission to get permission and support for his ideas to build schools for girls. First cup of tea, you are strangers, Second Cup of tea, you are a friend, Third Cup of tea you are family and they will lay down their life to protect you and help you. The third cup can take years and its a matter of respect and acceptance of you, but also they know you respect them. So to get education to be approved for girls by the building of schools, Greg had to begin by respecting and listening to other cultures, not go in shoving down the American ideas that everyone is entitled to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. See, educating girls changes and at the same time respects the Muslim culture because woman are the key in their culture. Boys who are educated leave their villages and do not share their knowledge, woman who are educated share and educate their communities. Woman who can read have better hygiene, which saves millions of lives from disease; have less children; which reduces the world-wide population explosion and woman who are educated will change the world by rising against senseless death and destruction and educating their communities to do the same.
Did you know that in Muslin countries before men go on a jihad, they must get the permission of their mothers? Yes, their mothers. Just think how few might get approved if the woman really understood the choices available instead when they are educated.
I tell my kids repeatedly, the world is ever changing and you must change with it, but in some respects, it remains the same. The basic tenets of family and community reign supreme and to solve many world problems you must start there, you must understand them and be educated by them. During the UB lecture, Greg Mortenson talked about his book becoming mandatory reading in the US military and many great universities of this land, all starting with General Petraeus, Commander of US forces in Afghanistan. And who who educated the General on this great book? His wife, Holly.
Mortenson shared these principles that General Petraeus pulled from the book:
Build Relationships
Listen More(especially from the other person's point of view)
Respect & humility (their communities and families)
Wow, the same issues that Ben Franklin talked about 200 years ago, that Dale Carnegie wrote about in his book, the same things Greg took as the key to get permission to change the world by educating the children in a different way, are the same things our great commanders like General Petraeus, are instructing their troops on today.
I was awed when I noted this in the presentation. Greg also told an interesting story about meeting the Taliban, the same big bad Taliban that is out to kill Americans and who regularly took all their bombs to blow-up the schools where the tiny little girls go to schools, as if they were afraid of them. These same Taliban were open to discussing maybe allowing a school to be built and Greg took them for a tour of another school and the playground. What happened? The Taliban dropped their guns, and ran to play on the slides & swings. They stayed their for 90 minutes and then said he could build a school as long as it had a playground.
Greg showed respect and listened and the Taliban said yes. He didn't condemn them or their culture, or tell them they were wrong; he listened. Maybe it IS just the simple things of caring and giving people the basics of humanity, to listen and show respect. Maybe all we need to do in Afghanistan is build playgrounds so everyone can have fun instead of war.
Any maybe all I need to do is find a big wheel that fits a 6 footer.
The jihad rages on at our house, with no one listening, no one laughing and supposedly, everyone else gets what they want but "XXXX". Fill in the names here for your home, "She always, he always, you always, yada, yada, lots of whining here, but never me." Territories gets staked, angry words get hurled and the daily hiding of remotes & Xbox controllers become the secret battle of the front lines as the war escalates. Life sure was simpler when I could just have them go outside and play in those orange and yellow cars or ride the Big Wheel.
Sure, these battles only last minutes a day now and for the most part life is joyous and fun, but its the lingering effects General Mom worries about. I picked up an old classic at the library book sale a few weeks ago, "How to Win Friends & Influence People" by Dale Carnegie, with the intent to get some fresh approaches for an ongoing turf battle at work that I desired to have come to an end. I believe I read this an part of a UB PR class decades ago, but apparently only retained a smidgen of it. Written in the 1930s (yes, during the depression), Dale harnessed some important principles and noted wonderful lessons learned by some of our countries great leaders; Ben Franklin, Theodore Roosevelt and even Abraham Lincoln. As I read I was astonished to think these great leaders at one point wrestled with some of the same issues I have in life for listening and communicating, in that, I had a strong overwhelming desire to take charge, assert my opinion and tell people when they are wrong, especially when they are, and no one wants to listen. Frankly, it never helps matters to tell someone they are wrong. It just makes them dig in harder and not give up their position and then they hate, or at the very least, stomp up to their room.
What, no mudslinging? No name calling? Where's great magic technique I was looking for here? What do you mean Abraham Lincoln had to learn this?
Principle 4: Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
Principle 5: Talk in Terms of the other person interests.
Principle 6: Make the other person feel important and do it sincerely. (We all go through life wanting to feel important, to know what we do matters, that our viewpoint is validated, that our daily lives are appreciated).
Principle 9: Be sympathetic with other persons ideas and desires.
Dale Carnegie talked about never telling the other people they are wrong, even if they are. People need to feel important and will always deny they are wrong and then nothing will be gained. Lincoln, Franklin and Roosevelt all actually had to be taught these lessons and changed their lives when they did so. They needed to be educated. If it can work for them, maybe I can use this at home and at work.
I started with the basics: Become genuinely interested in the other people and smile, use their name, inquire about their families and their day. Say hi Jack, hi Bob and take a minute to inquire about their health, their day, their family, their favorite teams. Begin with the basic human connection. I like starting the day at home sharing coffee with the twins and at night asking for a story about everyone's day. Smiling and saying names matters. Don't sweat the small stuff. I began to find my days got easier and smoother.
In the middle of reading this book, I had to stop and go back to a wonderful book a friend gave me to read, "Three Cups of Tea; One Man's Mission to Promote Peace...One School at a Time" by Greg Mortenson (http://www.threecupsoftea.com/). Lynne invited me to hear him speak this past week at UB as part of their lecturer series. I confess I am still slowly absorbing the book and the ideas of one man deciding to build schools for girls in Afghanistan and Pakistan through the Central Asia Institute ( http://www.ikat.org/). Education in the key as I always tell my kids. Learn your whole life, it's important and it never ends. And I give them the example of my learning about computers coming 10 years after I left college and then running a website becoming my main job 30 years later, all skills I learned one stop at a time. Ask questions, inquire, be shown, take those training sessions even when its not part of your job, be aware, grow. It never ends.
Greg Mortenson talks about sharing 3 Cups of Tea in his mission to get permission and support for his ideas to build schools for girls. First cup of tea, you are strangers, Second Cup of tea, you are a friend, Third Cup of tea you are family and they will lay down their life to protect you and help you. The third cup can take years and its a matter of respect and acceptance of you, but also they know you respect them. So to get education to be approved for girls by the building of schools, Greg had to begin by respecting and listening to other cultures, not go in shoving down the American ideas that everyone is entitled to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. See, educating girls changes and at the same time respects the Muslim culture because woman are the key in their culture. Boys who are educated leave their villages and do not share their knowledge, woman who are educated share and educate their communities. Woman who can read have better hygiene, which saves millions of lives from disease; have less children; which reduces the world-wide population explosion and woman who are educated will change the world by rising against senseless death and destruction and educating their communities to do the same.
Did you know that in Muslin countries before men go on a jihad, they must get the permission of their mothers? Yes, their mothers. Just think how few might get approved if the woman really understood the choices available instead when they are educated.
I tell my kids repeatedly, the world is ever changing and you must change with it, but in some respects, it remains the same. The basic tenets of family and community reign supreme and to solve many world problems you must start there, you must understand them and be educated by them. During the UB lecture, Greg Mortenson talked about his book becoming mandatory reading in the US military and many great universities of this land, all starting with General Petraeus, Commander of US forces in Afghanistan. And who who educated the General on this great book? His wife, Holly.
Mortenson shared these principles that General Petraeus pulled from the book:
Build Relationships
Listen More(especially from the other person's point of view)
Respect & humility (their communities and families)
Wow, the same issues that Ben Franklin talked about 200 years ago, that Dale Carnegie wrote about in his book, the same things Greg took as the key to get permission to change the world by educating the children in a different way, are the same things our great commanders like General Petraeus, are instructing their troops on today.
I was awed when I noted this in the presentation. Greg also told an interesting story about meeting the Taliban, the same big bad Taliban that is out to kill Americans and who regularly took all their bombs to blow-up the schools where the tiny little girls go to schools, as if they were afraid of them. These same Taliban were open to discussing maybe allowing a school to be built and Greg took them for a tour of another school and the playground. What happened? The Taliban dropped their guns, and ran to play on the slides & swings. They stayed their for 90 minutes and then said he could build a school as long as it had a playground.
Greg showed respect and listened and the Taliban said yes. He didn't condemn them or their culture, or tell them they were wrong; he listened. Maybe it IS just the simple things of caring and giving people the basics of humanity, to listen and show respect. Maybe all we need to do in Afghanistan is build playgrounds so everyone can have fun instead of war.
Any maybe all I need to do is find a big wheel that fits a 6 footer.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Hair Gone Wild
Life Balance: a feat we try to achieve while searching to be the best that we can we, while simultaneously raising our children to do the same. This is the equilibrium in our inner life force whereby our heartbeat matches the divine force that exists all around us. When this life balance peaks, our sense of peace, joy, love and wisdom act as one with our very soul.
"But we kick 'em to the curb unless they look like Mick Jagger."
-- Kesha in Tik Tok
"Mom, who's Mick Jagger?"
Vicky was loaded to the gills, packed with enough provisions and bedding to see us on a stagecoach trip out west for 2 weeks; I'm sure we wouldn't need much more than a fill-up in the 12 hour drive to Richmond. Coffee was in the thermos for Mom's 4 AM transfusion, suitcases & coolers were loaded in a trunk larger enough to hold a Pinto, but somehow barely fit when we added in Patricia's 3 suitcases (3? Who are you, Paris Hilton?) & cookies for the road-trip set on the front seat under Carmen, the Garmin. At 14 the twins have taken to naming everything we owned and the GPS was no exception.
And so the road-trip to Dinwiddie began. I awoke at 4 AM, brushed my teeth, woke the twins & my extra road-trip daughter, Patricia, kissed the dog, petted the husband & got in the car. Map? Check. Charlene's directions? Check. IPODs? Check. Okay, let's give Carmen Sheila's address. Carmen? Carmen? She's gone. Stolen out of the car. Oh well, here we go old school down to Virginia. Drive, drive, drive, miss a turn while I yawn outside Salamanca and reroute myself on the 219 down through PA. The IPOD gave out but Patricia's text date to Chad continued for 12 long hours, a few phone calls & numerous hangups. We switched to local radio during the construction season in PA and belted out "Satisfaction, I Can't Get No..." "Who's this Mom?" The Rolling Stones, you know, Mick Jagger? Really, turn it up. We belted the oldies from the 60's and 70's for the next hour, with Mom educating them on the groups. Next came technopop and then 80s revival with Mom telling them how she used to dance to MJ when he was just Michael Jackson. You? No, really I did. I had a life before you. And I had the hair to match, long permed, teased big hair you lose a toddler in.
Vacation isn't just for relaxing anymore. It's for connecting and lectures with Dr. Mom. Dear Hubby had to work so its just me, the twins & Patricia, cruising down the highway. The car symposiums on boys, romance, money, education and jobs. Choices, its all about choices made in a split second sometimes, but you make your head up long before if you're smart. Be smart. Focus, have a plan. Get your hair on straight. And so it goes on the last trip before high school.
Last night we got the hair cuts for high school, arguing all the way about length, color, high lights and style. Always style. Which one for Maggie, lack of it for Luke, which color of the week for Patricia, who is riding along with us just for the heck of it. The thing is, you'll start the high school with one style denoting who you are, but its all the choices you make in those 4 years that dictate the style you have when you leave; scholar, athlete, inventor, famous author or teen Mom, future cancer victim, future alcoholic, druggie or loser. It's all about those choices, some of which are made slowly, like choosing not to do homework daily, or some made in a split second when you choose to have sex without protection or hang out with new friends who get high everyday, even though you don't want to do that. Now. Make those choices now. Believe what we say about what they mean because we have already chosen that hairstyle before.
I think about that hair as I sit waiting to pay for the cuts. I think about the styles I have worn and will wear in the future as I someday become mother-in-law, grandma, great aunt, retired neighbor and maybe widow. I have friends already wearing the hairstyle of widow and widower in their 40s and 50s. I still have both my parents and get to be the kid sometimes, so its hard to contemplate that kind of hairstyle change, but it happens. But being ready to wear that hairstyle comes from all the other choices you made along the way.
Sometimes you choose to think of the style of your dreams and sometimes the style finds you from what you chose not to think about. Figure out which it will be.
"But we kick 'em to the curb unless they look like Mick Jagger."
-- Kesha in Tik Tok
"Mom, who's Mick Jagger?"
Vicky was loaded to the gills, packed with enough provisions and bedding to see us on a stagecoach trip out west for 2 weeks; I'm sure we wouldn't need much more than a fill-up in the 12 hour drive to Richmond. Coffee was in the thermos for Mom's 4 AM transfusion, suitcases & coolers were loaded in a trunk larger enough to hold a Pinto, but somehow barely fit when we added in Patricia's 3 suitcases (3? Who are you, Paris Hilton?) & cookies for the road-trip set on the front seat under Carmen, the Garmin. At 14 the twins have taken to naming everything we owned and the GPS was no exception.
And so the road-trip to Dinwiddie began. I awoke at 4 AM, brushed my teeth, woke the twins & my extra road-trip daughter, Patricia, kissed the dog, petted the husband & got in the car. Map? Check. Charlene's directions? Check. IPODs? Check. Okay, let's give Carmen Sheila's address. Carmen? Carmen? She's gone. Stolen out of the car. Oh well, here we go old school down to Virginia. Drive, drive, drive, miss a turn while I yawn outside Salamanca and reroute myself on the 219 down through PA. The IPOD gave out but Patricia's text date to Chad continued for 12 long hours, a few phone calls & numerous hangups. We switched to local radio during the construction season in PA and belted out "Satisfaction, I Can't Get No..." "Who's this Mom?" The Rolling Stones, you know, Mick Jagger? Really, turn it up. We belted the oldies from the 60's and 70's for the next hour, with Mom educating them on the groups. Next came technopop and then 80s revival with Mom telling them how she used to dance to MJ when he was just Michael Jackson. You? No, really I did. I had a life before you. And I had the hair to match, long permed, teased big hair you lose a toddler in.
Vacation isn't just for relaxing anymore. It's for connecting and lectures with Dr. Mom. Dear Hubby had to work so its just me, the twins & Patricia, cruising down the highway. The car symposiums on boys, romance, money, education and jobs. Choices, its all about choices made in a split second sometimes, but you make your head up long before if you're smart. Be smart. Focus, have a plan. Get your hair on straight. And so it goes on the last trip before high school.
Last night we got the hair cuts for high school, arguing all the way about length, color, high lights and style. Always style. Which one for Maggie, lack of it for Luke, which color of the week for Patricia, who is riding along with us just for the heck of it. The thing is, you'll start the high school with one style denoting who you are, but its all the choices you make in those 4 years that dictate the style you have when you leave; scholar, athlete, inventor, famous author or teen Mom, future cancer victim, future alcoholic, druggie or loser. It's all about those choices, some of which are made slowly, like choosing not to do homework daily, or some made in a split second when you choose to have sex without protection or hang out with new friends who get high everyday, even though you don't want to do that. Now. Make those choices now. Believe what we say about what they mean because we have already chosen that hairstyle before.
I think about that hair as I sit waiting to pay for the cuts. I think about the styles I have worn and will wear in the future as I someday become mother-in-law, grandma, great aunt, retired neighbor and maybe widow. I have friends already wearing the hairstyle of widow and widower in their 40s and 50s. I still have both my parents and get to be the kid sometimes, so its hard to contemplate that kind of hairstyle change, but it happens. But being ready to wear that hairstyle comes from all the other choices you made along the way.
Sometimes you choose to think of the style of your dreams and sometimes the style finds you from what you chose not to think about. Figure out which it will be.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Presque Isle Peace
Life Balance: a feat we try to achieve while searching to be the best that we can we, while simultaneously raising our children to do the same. This is the equilibrium in our inner life force whereby our heartbeat matches the divine force that exists all around us. When this life balance peaks, our sense of peace, joy, love and wisdom act as one with our very soul.
“Peace is not something you wish for, It's something you make, Something you do, Something you are, And something you give away.”
“Peace is not something you wish for, It's something you make, Something you do, Something you are, And something you give away.”
-Robert Fulghum
The air is not the only thing heating up in the summer, its also the hormones, the emotions & the attitudes. While the school new year may only be weeks away, in the minutes and hours of each weekend, it often feels like decades. Getting the heck of dodge can help, but many of the area pursuits get boring for teenagers and frankly, very expensive. So we hopped in the Pirate and hiked it to Erie, Pennsylvania to Presque State Park. (www.dcnr.state.pa.us/stateparks/parks/presqueisle.aspx)
We packed a picnic, made a pit-stop for ice, a drive-by at Timmy Ho's for Ice Caps and coasted a mere 2 hours; and Carmen the Garmin had us in the right place.
Presque Isle is a natural national landmark that sits on Lake Erie and consists of a 3200 acre sandy peninsula, with 11 beaches, numerous bike trails, fishing ponds, bird sanctuaries and hiking areas. They even give you maps for the best scuba diving if you are so inclined. The swimming areas and beaches were the finest I have experienced anywhere, with fine white beaches and silky smooth shore bottoms that were a pleasure to walk on. The roadway around the park is 13 miles long, perfect for a slow cruise, a long bike ride or a brisk jog.
We started our journey by stopping at the Tom Ridge Environmental Center at the beginning of of the park. We picked up our free park maps and received a tip to sign-up for a free, first-come-first-served hour long pontoon boat ride. We hopped back in the truck and started our journey in the park. Coming from the Land-of-the-hungry-tax-monsters-called-New-York, we fully expected a gate and an entrance fee, but there was none. It's free. Yes, you heard me right, its free and amazing. Go figure, there are states that can have recreation for their citizens and not charge them to breathe the air while they do it.
As we drove through the park, looking for the pontoon boat launch, we were amazed at the number of people walking, jogging, bike riding and swimming. We keep seeing these funny yellow scurries that families were biking in. Eventually we found the pontoon boat ride at the boat rental area. We managed to find an open spot for all of us on the 2 p.m. ride so we signed up. We debated renting our own canoe, kayak or paddle boat in addition, but decided to check out one of the beaches until it was time for our cruise.
The beaches were amazing. So many to choose from, many with concession stands in addition to bathrooms. A swim while it was a torrid 95 degrees felt wonderful and very peaceful. Out in the water were dozens of beautiful sailboats moving gracefully in the wind. Even Luke went in the water, despite a teenage sulk that he didn't want to right now. The lull of the water pulled him in and we enjoyed playing in the water and having races. Underwater handstands never seem to get old and sand in the toes feels like a gentle massage.
After our swim, we took the slow pontoon cruise through the backwaters. Our guide pointed out unique plants, birds and turtles basking in the sun. Even Margaret enjoyed it despite a general fear of all things seaworthy. Once we left the boat, we went on a mission to find the bike rental shop and rent one of the 4 person surreys. The twins took turns driving, dear hubby took turns acting as surrey commander & overexcited Dad, and I belted out a rendition of "Surrey with the fringe on top" from Oklahoma & was quickly told to not give up my day job. I guess I'll leave the singing to my talented niece.
We ended the day by grilling our Sahlems hot dogs and Wegmans yummy chicken Italian sausage on one of the many park grilles. Picnic tables are abundant throughout the park and shade or sun are really your only tough decisions. We watched a family volleyball game and chilled out while the charcoal heated. The twins read books and wound down, cooled off from the gentle breeze and occasional sprinkles. We packed up and headed back to Buffalo, with DH driving and the twins and I dozing contentedly.
The park is open year round and would be great for fall picnics and winter cross country skiing. There are many hotels nearby and even one of the countries oldest amusement parks, Waldameer. (http://www.waldameer.com/). This was a great day trip, but it also reminded me that it wouldn't be a bad weekend trip when we need to get away. All in all, it was a nice Sunday family day in peace. It was a keeper, a break from the turmoils of teenage-hood. Too bad we can't just box it up and bring it out when the twins are going at it like they are auditioning for Wrestlemania.
But I can always sing "Surrey with the Fringe On Top" to get them to stop killing each other--they team up so they can find a pillow to throw at me instead.
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