Saturday, September 22, 2007

The Princess and the Pee

Life Balance: a feat we try to achieve while searching to be the best that we can we, while simultaneously raising our children to do the same. This is the equilibrium in our inner life force whereby our heartbeat matches the divine force that exists all around us. When this life balance peaks, our sense of peace, joy, love and wisdom act as one with our very souls.

“Bargain of the year, a $179.99 suit was $99. Then I had a $15 coupon. Then they gave me 20% off on top of it. I got it for $58. I added a beautiful icy blue satin shirt. I bought new pumps. I looked amazing.”
The Queen, telling us the rest of the story

The fashion world has us by the in a tizzy most of the time. Short pants, long pants, high waist, low waist, wide leg, tight leg, button enclosure, hook and eye or side zipper. Whatever the latest trend is, every designer gets on Oprah and says “This makes everyone look thin.” And we run out and have to buy it. We just about get beyond this and find our own style, when our kids get to be that age…

“You’re not going to wear that to pick me up later, right? No one wears THAT anymore.”

So we start re-evaluate our clothes. We rethink the colors that we love. We buy things a little snug, because we are in a happy place and will soon fit in this just fine. Then, to really make our insides hot, we get a bargain to boot.

The Queen started to tell us this story at lunch the other day. I laughed so hard; I almost fell off the bench and rolled on the lawn. We were talking about pants and needing to get new ones for our business casual office. A lot of the stores show Capri’s for the winter, with little boots or neat stockings. Don’t like this look on me in winter in Buffalo. Need the full leg to cover up the globs of ice sticking to our legs from the 1 mile walk in from the car (not really, but you all expect Buffalo to be like that. It’s not. My teacher friend in Richmond has more snow days then my kids. No lie). And a lot of the pants are also really wide legged. What am I, 400 pounds, that I need to cover up the legs I ride the elliptical machine 4 miles everyday to get? And then we were on the subject of the enclosures. Button or hook and eye ? (button, because Hook and Eye make your belly bulge).

And then the side zipper stories and clothing mishaps come out! If you have one, send it to me! ( We all seem to have horror stories of the side zippers from hell. They don’t stay closed. They won’t go up half the time. They seem to break easy. I was just in safety pins a few weeks ago, shirt pulled over the zipper, because at the end of the work day, one hour more to go, the zipper conks out. There I am, with a zipper flopping in the air and nothing to do but cover it up. What is up with that? Can you really tell the boss at that point you need to go home and change? Can we ever admit fashion problems to our male bosses? No, of course not. We live in pins, bemoaning ever trying to wear a side zipper. I figure I have the best story. But no.

Then the Queen tells the rest of the story. Beautiful new suit. A little snug. Looking smashing. Busy day, running around like crazy. Holding the pee awhile. Finally go in the stall, can’t get the zipper down. Nothing works. Grreatt. Decides to hold it. Keeps working like mad. Hours later, runs home, straight to it, goes in, pulling like her life depends on the zipper, really needing to pee, it’s been hours. Bladder is huge.

Nothing. Zipper won’t go. Hubby not home, she's dying, can't figure what to do, bouncing up and down, pulling on the pants, needing to pee so bad. Calls in princess daughter to help. She’s pulling on bottom, Queen is tugging on top, Still won’t budge. Pull harder. Crap, the zipper pull comes off. OMG, really need to go now. Runs to couch, lays down. Has princess get the pliers out and yank on the zipper. Still nothing. Expensive couch about to be ruined. Immense pain of a really large bladder needing relief. Can’t believe it. Nothing left to do.

Screw it. Give me the scissors.”

Cuts the pants off herself. Cuts right down the zipper so she doesn’t ruin her beautiful new suit. Gets relief. Finally. Takes the pants to the seamstress.

“Do you have any idea how much they get to put in a new zipper? $19. The whole suit only cost $60 and they wanted $19." But she got it fixed anyway.

And she never wore the suit again. And that’s the rest of the story.

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