Ya Canna Change The Law Of Physics

Life Balance: a feat we try to achieve while searching to be the best that we can be, while simultaneously raising our children to do the same. This is the equilibrium in our inner life force whereby our heartbeat matches the divine force that exists all around us. When this life balance peaks, our sense of peace, joy, love and wisdom act as one with our very soul.

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Mr. Scott, there are always alternatives  --- Spock

Daughter's Log, Orchard Park, 041415. We are cautiously entering the final dimension for Dad after receiving a distress text from Alex. Garbled transmissions report the Captain is under attack from an unidentified alien; possibly the Klingons have returned with a new attack to transport brain cancer, diabetes,  dementia. Our mission is one of compassionate rescue, and if necessary, confrontation with a hostile force.

My Dad has spent the last 18 months battling small cell lung cancer. He has an the fortitude of 40 men and 10 giants, battling these disease alone, living in the home by himself that he shared for over 50 years with Mom before she succumbed to cancer in 2011. He struggles to get out of the chair now and walk with his cane to the bathroom; dressing takes upwards of 30 minutes, shaving only attempted on the best of days. Yet through this all, he has been the Captain of his ship, setting the course and barking orders in 10 directions in 12 seconds before you can even grab a pen to write them all down.

Since May of 2013, he has battled a 3 month bout with pneumonia that was the prelude to the lung cancer, coughing wheezing, spiting up blood,  5 months of chemo, hallucinations from brain cancer that led to brain  frying radiation, strength sucking body radiation blackening his back and most of his mind; projectile diarrhea, a constantly dripping nose  and a 70 pound weight loss, and came back up each time, ready to swing for more. Until recently.

The text came late Tuesday from Dad's neighbor, helper and trusted companion, Alex that Dad was just not right, his speech is garbled. On my way, packing  the bag, tripping, turning round and round in circles trying desperately to hurry, holding back the tears, trying to think logically where there is no logic,  what to pack, work clothes, no work clothes? PJs? how long do I plan for? denial, rage, fear hitting me like a bunch to the gut from which I may never recover. It's back.

So my brother Ron and I begin to chart the course for the end, or is it really the beginning? I am back sleeping in my childhood bed, trying to provide what comfort I can at night, and somehow fit the new job in during the day. Thank God for great neighbors, my husband and my kids, now grown, coming to babysit the Grandpa who not that long along was babysitting them. Listening to him talk, in 2015 one minute, in 1958 the next and in the Dead Zone the one after that. Trying to comprehend hearing him say he's ready to die when they are just beginning to understand what it means to live.

I admit not knowing how to do this. I am a mother, a planner, a scheduler, a list maker, who thinks from the end and multi-tasks backwards; start dinner, do laundry, wash dishes, collect the garbage and talk on the phone while hair dye sits on the head for 30 minutes. Give me a target date and I'm in, even when it's 3 phone calls to make a doctor appointment, 2 more to cancel your own meetings, 3  more to arrange rides, one email tell your boss you will leave early, one text to your kids, one call your husband at work; only to receive a call one hour later that the appointment was moved to the next day. Refresh, do over, fix it all again in a new day of schedules.

I tell my kids to look for the good in all things. See the good. Flip the problem to the end and find a blessing. Easy peasy in one-off events; longer struggles and you need to dig deeper for the treasure. I think it's just the simple moments of life, the laughter, the hot meal, the friend phone call. Think of the comedian making the joke of the old man walking with the cane and realize, that now your Dad has the George Burns walk down cold.

I came home from work to see Dad dressed in a strange combination of  multiple shirts and sweaters, looking rather like the guys from Animal House in the supermarket scene, you know the one where they wear 4 shirts bunched up to hold the steaks and food they steal for the party? And as I look closer, I see my white work blouse, a scrunchy knit with puffy rows, sticky out from the layer of sweaters, and I burst out in laughter. My Dad the comedian. Maybe I should buy him a few more colors to go with his PJS.

Let Go and Let God

Life Balance: a feat we try to achieve while searching to be the best that we can be, while simultaneously raising our children to do the same. This is the equilibrium in our inner life force whereby our heartbeat matches the divine force that exists all around us. When this life balance peaks, our sense of peace, joy, love and wisdom act as one with our very soul.


"Find a way to be thankful for your troubles, and they can become your blessings."

Years ago I read the Mitford Series by Jan Caron. I loved the cosy books, set in the fictional small town of Mitford, North Carolina with Father Tim. One minute I would be caught up in the story, another I would be wanting to talk one of the characters out of something they were planning to do; other times I would want to have a heart to heart with Father Tim and tell him all my troubles. At one point early on in the series, Father Tim, a sweetaholic, comes down with diabetes. Here we really see him with all his human failings cursing the disease and fighting against it. He's mad, he's sad, he's in denial, he's making bargains to get away from the daily management of a terminal disease, when he has an Epiphany. He goes back to his roots, and remembers to "Give Thanks for all things". He begins to give thanks for everything in his life, even diabetes. He turns his life as always over to God, and understands that we must put our faith in the higher and love everything in our life, to laugh and love it and make it our own, whatever the problem it. We can't understand what may come out of whatever we are going through, but we must let it go, give it to God, and give it love.

As Moms we find this easy to teach our children to do, saying and showing, "its okay honey, no worries." We love, encourage and nurture them in thousands of ways everyday, starting at dawn when we wake them for their day, making them breakfast while simultaneously packing our own lunch, emptying the dishwasher and starting a load of laundry; moving on to make appointments, pay bills or run errands thorough our lunchtime, coming home to cook dinner, finish laundry and run them to the store replace the headphones they cannot live without, all the while we are listening to them, checking them for illness, worrying in an instant about their lives today and for the next 50 years.

We love them with all our hearts and soul from the time of conception, and we create the environments for them to thrive. We give them love, we give them balance by being the CEO of our household and we forgive them for any and all slights that occur. That's what Moms are supposed to do, yet we seldom remember to give this to ourselves. We fret, we worry, we get mad, we get sad and we take on more duties to help them get through stuff. We give it our all constantly, and are reminded repeatedly at work, on TV, in magazine, books & songs to do more, to be more, learn more, to have more. What if that really is the opposite of what we should do?

I woke up, 530 again, ready to journal, to dump out my angry thoughts about a situation I am in. I open the journal to write, and realize I have my previous journal, not the new one. On the page I opened was this thought:

"Give yourself wiggle room,see what it might feel like to not be all or nothing. Let go & let God."-me


I had been asking God for what to do about my problem each night before I went to sleep. I basically felt I needed to learn yet again how to not be myself, to behave contrary to my nature, to be a different person. I was fretting and hating some parts of myself that caused the issue in the first place and felt I needed to change. I needed to give it my all to be this way, so of course read books on it, write about it, make a plan on how to do, give myself daily talks on how to do it, learn to do this, don't give in, and by all means, never let them see you sweat.

What would I tell my children if it was them explaining the problem? I would say be who God meant you to be, and I would probably talk about one of my more memorable job interview questions for a job I obviously was not meant to be at. They asked, "If you were on "Survivor" would you make it to the final four? My brain screamed, give them the speech about giving it your all and succeeding, its what they want to hear and my heart said, Live without a comfy bed and my morning coffee, are you nuts, I'd never be in the final four on "Survivor." I decided to answer with a joke instead, saying that I can cook well and men usually can't, so I'd exchange skills to make it a win-win for everyone, a survivor first.

I believe in the original team building mentality, where we are all in it together. We sing each others praises and do what we do best individually, making us more than we we were to begin with. As a manager and a Mom, I have to see the big picture that maybe if someone is struggling at something, its not in their nature to be that way or they don't have the skills right now to do it. Remember when our kids were little, and they tried to clean their room quickly by making one big pile in their closet? The first time you opened the door, Mt. Everest of clothes & toys toppled over, sometimes breaking fragile things piled in the middle. They would then try to wiggle out of it, try to find a way to fix it by propping it up or shutting the door, which of course never worked, would instead bury them in clothes, making them laugh and scream, "Mom, help!" Or how about when they first when to the store alone & tried to bag groceries? They'd get home, and the bread would be on the bottom of the bag, all squished and flat? They'd look at you with their sad eyes, and try to cover it up saying, "Umm, well, can we make grilled cheese out of it?" You'd laugh and say "its okay, let me get that for you."

Why is it, when confronted with our own issues, we seldom give ourselves this wiggle room, seldom tell ourselves to laugh & ask for help? Maybe we should just remember to bury ourselves in laughter and let God handle it.

School's Out

Life Balance: a feat we try to achieve while searching to be the best that we can we, while simultaneously raising our children to do the same. This is the equilibrium in our inner life force whereby our heartbeat matches the divine force that exists all around us. When this life balance peaks, our sense of peace, joy, love and wisdom acts as one with our very soul.

Deep summer is when laziness finds respectability. ~Sam Keen

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rZ7m_IBX-Yo (Alice Cooper School's Out for Summer)

6:30 a.m. Ah the sounds of peaceful children getting ready for school....

Maggie! Luke! Get up! Maggie drink your coffee and wake up already! Luke, no TV! Who's getting in the shower? Take the dog out! Why are you doing homework now? No, I don't know where your tights are. Get in the shower! Maverick wake up! Luke get the dog she's going nuts, the bunny must be out! Why do you need $5? What do you mean you lost your lunch money? Quit buying Red Bull with it! Starve! No, I don't know where a shoe box is! Get in the shower and actually step closer to the soap! Someone get the dog in, the cops are here again! Maggie, brush your hair, don't just put it in the pony tail! Who's burning the waffles? Why do you need me to sign this detention slip? Where is your homework! Luke, turn the hockey down! Maggie, eat some breakfast! Maverick get out of bed or I'm not driving you! Get the dog, she's eating your waffles! No, you can't wear flip flops again. What do you mean you need your yellow shirt clean today? The bus comes in 10 minutes, where is it? Did you look under the bed? Who has all the towels? Maggie go up to your towel farm again and harvest a load! Brush your teeth, gum does not count! Stop dripping syrup by the computer, eat in the kitchen! Maverick get out of bed or I'm coming in there with the soap and water. Get out of my sock drawer, find your own socks!Are you ready, the bus is on Ferndale! What do you mean you need to be driven today, I haven't showered yet! Maverick are you ready? What do you mean you still need to shave? No, I don't know where the shaving cream is, ask you sister! Get the dog in already! Luke did you eat? Who left the empty cereal box on the counter again, it doesn't throw itself out. No, you can't eat candy for breakfast! Maverick get in the car already. Where's you belt, a shoelace does not count! Pull your pants over that underwear or I'll pull them down. Get the dog out of the window before she breaks another one. Luke, get you homework. Maggie, are these your books? Maverick, where's your backpack? Get the dog and lock her up. No, I don't have $10. You need something signed, where's a pen? Who took the pencil sharpener? Brush your teeth, I mean it. Stop hitting your sister and go out for the bus already! Get the dog! Maverick get in the car!

By this time next week, the sounds of silence and the large smiles of Moms everywhere will fill the air. Can you hear me now? No, we can't!! Yeah!!!

Ah, me time, from 630 to 730, gotta love it. It's not the beach we love, it's this. Summer at last, yippee!!

Happy Birthday

Life Balance: a feat we try to achieve while searching to be the best that we can we, while simultaneously raising our children to do the same. This is the equilibrium in our inner life force whereby our heartbeat matches the divine force that exists all around us. When this life balance peaks, our sense of peace, joy, love and wisdom acts as one with our very soul.

The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age. - Lucille ball

Today is my gym friend Nurse Sunshine's Birthday. There we were at 5 a.m. doing the treadmill together. I hadn't worked out in 2 weeks due to the sore back, and she really didn't want to get out of bed and go, but did anyway. Talking just made the workout more fun, less mundane. Somehow, the connection between people makes it all worth it on the days our bodies just want to lay in bed and do nothing...for the 5 minutes or so we have before the kids get up.

Nurse Sunshine gives herself the most wonderful birthday present. She wants to spend time with the hubby...aw how romantic, right? Yes, she wants him to spend time with her, doing whatever she wants. There I was, imagining him cooking her a gourmet meal, pouring her a glass of wine, massaging her feet while drawing her a bubble bath, all with the kids at grandmas...but Nurse Sunshine's ideas were even better, more wild, more fun. She spends time with her hubby on her days--Mother's day, birthdays, doing whatever project she most wants completed. It could be mulching the gardens, it could be cleaning and scrubbing the patio. The kids join in too. It becomes family time, with everyone helping out. They get one big thing done that she really likes to look at, to accomplish. What a great idea!

Birthdays really become our days, but how often do we do what we like most? We no longer have the hot dog birthday parties in the backyard like CK had as a child on California Road. Every year, her Mom let her have a group of 15 kids in the backyard for her own party. Both of her grandma's would be there and we would eat lots of ice cream. I so loved walking down the road to her party. It was like it became my own to get to go every year and share it. As CK's sons had birthdays, she continues the tradition of having the special day. Of getting to pick the food, and the event and the theme. Your day, your way.

Sometimes we look at birthdays as times of grief, especially on the "0" birthdays. Its hard to look past the numbers and see the accomplishments. The love, the unions and marriages, the kids, the wonderful jobs, the joyful friendships, the bloom of life no matter what the age. Why do we try to boil all that down to a number, as if that is all that matters? How can we be even begin to condense our souls to that one thing?

I like the idea of making the birthday your day. As woman, we don't do that enough. We really should take one day a month and call it our own, and do what we love, and get things accomplished we want. Feel good for us. Because when we do that, we can give it back to the world tenfold.

Make today and everyday your birthday. You deserve it.