Saturday, December 6, 2008

The Deer healers

Life Balance: a feat we try to achieve while searching to be the best that we can we, while simultaneously raising our children to do the same. This is the equilibrium in our inner life force whereby our heartbeat matches the divine force that exists all around us. When this life balance peaks, our sense of peace, joy, love and wisdom acts as one with our very soul.

I often wonder if angels talk to us thousands of times each day, and we just don't have that channel tuned in. I think it's easy in times of trouble to just wallow in despair, focusing on what has gone wrong, turning the events over in our minds again and again and again. When we limit our focus that tightly, we blind ourselves to beauty of God that surrounds us.

Back in late September, I had one particularly dark day when I couldn't pop myself up for anything. I was literally laying on the floor, crying, seeing no end to the plight of my job search and my depression. I spent about 10 days in a row churning my grief over and over again. No matter what method I tried to get going, I saw nothing but the spiraling down of life, my debts, my feelings of worthlessness and my failures as a human being. The tools I had used for months, meditation, inspirational cd's, reading, affirmations, and prayer were not pulling me up.

I finally admitted the whole truth out loud to my therapist and began the process of my healing. She pinpointed a nasty event 10 days before that I had dismissed as inconsequential, which in reality had pushed me over the edge. Finally, I broke down the cement walls around my heart and understood what I was hiding. Afterwards, I stopped and got a coffee, and drove to nearby Glen Park to write in my journal about my feelings.

It was a chilly fall day, so I took out my favorite Raggedy Anne sleeping bag and another blanket to wrap up in and sat in the middle of a small section of the park, surrounded by trees and birds. I quietly began to give thanks in my journal and to ask God to lift me out of my despair, once and for all, and to restore me to the loving confident woman I used to be. After about an hour, I took a little nap and enjoyed a true rest for the first time in weeks.

I woke up, and took stock of the many things to give thanks for. Just then, out of the woods, 20 feet away, came 7 deer. They walked forward confidently and just watched me. It was so strange, like they were talking to me and looking at me as my beloved dog Molly does. So, I just sat still and quietly started talking to them, telling them my problems. They watched me for a good 20 minutes. I stayed after they left and went home in peace.

I remembered in my tai chi class that our instructor talked about receiving messages from animals and birds and started to wonder about the deer. I continued on my healing, not quite there yet, but starting to come out of the fog of my sadness. 2 days later, across the street from my house, in the morning, 2 deer stood and watched me through the window again for 20 minutes. Still, I didn't quite connect the messages I would be receiving from the deer, but I talked to them softly about what I was feeling.

On that Sunday, just before dusk, I was filled with anguish. Another week, no job prospects and the paper held nothing new, and I was feeling desperate. I drove to Glen Park to look at the birds and do some deep breathing. Out of woods came not my seven deer friends, not the 2 from my house, no, thirteen deer walked out of the woods and came 10 feet from me. I stood and talked to them for over 20 minutes and they listened. I felt such a peace and serenity come over me. I felt like I must have imagined it, but as I walked to my car, I saw 2 ambulance attendants eating their lunch. The one guy asked me how I got them to stay near me for so long, was I feeding them? No, I said, I just talk to them.

I looked it up about the deer, and its supposed to mean unconditional love and new beginnings. Shortly after, I got the lead on the marketing job I now have. I felt like the deer were sent to heal me and help me feel God's love. This week, I drove back to the park. My seven friends came out again and watched me while I talked.

You never know where the messages may fall in your life. It's easy to cloak ourselves in the dark and not see the light shining around us. Look for it today and feel the healing.

1 comment:

Shari Schmidt said...

I'm glad you are recovering. I'll say a prayer for your job hunt.