Saturday, June 21, 2008

Muffin Tops

Life Balance: a feat we try to achieve while searching to be the best that we can we, while simultaneously raising our children to do the same. This is the equilibrium in our inner life force whereby our heartbeat matches the divine force that exists all around us. When this life balance peaks, our sense of peace, joy, love and wisdom acts as one with our very soul.

Part of the secret of life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside --Mark Twain

Chocolate chip cookie dough. Raw. Extra chips. Good stuff. We always have to make a double batch, half to bake, half to eat. I know, I know, safety should prevent me from eating that. Aren't we all aware that salmonella lurks in raw eggs and we must not eat raw cookie dough anymore? So we stick the bowl in the freezer, make the germs work a little harder to make us sick. After all, there is no such thing as a free lunch. If salmonella wants to attack, then it needs to overcome the obstacle of being frozen. Nothing easy, it must work and strive and adapt like everyone else.

Maggie made cookies the last couple of days. Baked half up for school then forgot them. When Luke asked what was for dinner, I said chocolate chips cookies. And beer. Well, no beer for you, milk. A Mom must have standards. "Cookies?"he said, "you'd need to eat like 16 for dinner."
So, what's your point? I think the 4 food groups are covered, sugar, fat, caffeine and chocolate. Close enough, dig in.

Summer leads to strange meals like chocolate chip cookies. I had no excuse, it wasn't even sweltering heat in Buffalo yesterday, just Friday afternoon and no desire to cook. Called my favorite pizzeria. Closed. Closed, how dare they take a vacation? Don't they know I need grease and I need it now? My arteries were starting to clear up, the blood was flowing easier, we can't have this, the cholesterol count must be maintained at all costs. Who cares what I look like? My clothes fit, I can eat what I want. Life is good.

Well, that was all fine yesterday. Overnight the fat molecules ganged up on me and reproduced. Today I tried on my favorite summer jean shorts. Let's just say that zipping them was a chore. That zipper must be hippo strength to hold it all in. I pushed, I poked, I prodded, I jabbed. I fell down to the floor, sucked in my breath and performed master surgery. I tucked and pushed like I was moving a ton of bricks off my suffocating child, and I finally got the belly in and the zipper up. Yeah! I'm still good. I pause to catch my breath, I turn to the mirror. Muffin tops. There I am, all neatly sucked into the shorts, but the belly has escaped over the top. Huge rolls of fat lay like buckets of lard fighting to escape from the jeans.

Muffin tops. Cookies always go to the muffin tops. Chocolate too. We may as well open a fat pocket there and deposit it in. Smear it on there all melted and see how good it looks. It never goes to the chest, no sirree, only the stomach. Heaven forbid we eat cookies and gain a bra size we want. That would be too easy, no, it has to go to the stomach.

You can eat 4 cookies and gain 5 pounds. My former boss claimed this was impossible, the calories just did not equal out. He would get out the statistical analysis and excel spread sheets to show me how wrong I was. But I know better. I know my body. It really does happen. Women's genetics just work this way, we just need the scientific study to prove it. We need to go on a revolution to study this. The theory is that opposites attract. So it 4 cookies can add 5 pounds overnight, there is another simple food that melts the 5 pounds overnight. We just need to find it.

I just hope its Lays potato chips and Bison French onion chip dip with a Merlot chaser. I think I'll go work on my research right now, muffin tops be damned.

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